


The biggest achievement in life.

by YKWIW22



Category: GOT7
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, M/M, Markjin, Markjin fluff in the end, Mental Health Issues, but not exactly???, sorta - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2018-12-31
Packaged: 2019-10-01 08:06:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17240567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YKWIW22/pseuds/YKWIW22
Summary: Jinyoung reminisces over the past year as 2019 approaches.





	The biggest achievement in life.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! 
> 
> I'm back again! 
> 
> This is kinda a new years special with lots of fluff in the end (I think)! 
> 
> Happy reading and happy new years!

It’s quite cold outside. 

 

Which is quite obvious even from the inside, the tree tops are covered in frost and there’s a thick layer of snow covering the ground, and whenever Jinyoung releases a small breath there’s a tiny cloud of smoke in front of him. 

 

But it’s quite beautiful as well, he thinks. 

 

The sun shines upon the rooftops and everything seems as covered in glitter, and even though the air seems thick and it’s difficult to breath it’s still somehow peaceful. 

 

He can simply focus on breathing. 

 

To the right there’s a raven flying across the cloudless sky and somehow Jinyoung still smiles, even though the raven is there flying it still manages to seem like a good day. 

 

Jinyoung feels content, peaceful, but yet, there’s still that feeling in his chest. 

 

That empty feeling in his chest that has never truly left him ever since  _ that _ day. That day that will soon be a year ago and he wants desperately to stop thinking about it, he wants that picture to disappear from his mind but it’s stuck there, imprinted on the inside of his eyelocks. 

 

And as he thinks back, that somewhere is both where it all started and ended, because ever since that day nothing has truly been the same but at the same time nothing is really different. 

 

Jinyoung steadies himself after he almost slips on the snow covered road. 

 

He closes his eyes, trying to focus. 

 

He knows that he has to be careful when he walks on the road, not because of rushing cars or anything alike, no, but he has to watch out for the ice. 

 

Cars kill you  -slippy roads just leaves you hurt and embarrassed, and somehow for Jinyoung, the latter manages to seem like the worse option. 

 

Either way, there’s not a lot of cars on the roads he walks past, maybe a deer from then to then but mostly it’s just forest. Trees after trees after tress and that’s all, maybe a river or a lonely house from time to time. 

 

Jinyoung isn’t sure if he likes it or not. 

 

Sometimes the silence can be deafening and his mind rushes way too quickly and to all the wrong places and at those times he just wants it all to stop, but it never does. 

 

But sometimes the silence fills his ears and the sound of birds chirping in the distance manages to remind him of what it feels like to be alive and breathing. 

 

Jinyoung hears the next song start playing and his mind wanders once again. 

 

Tomorrow he’s supposed to be a new person. 

 

New year, new me, or whatever every caption on anything says and Jinyoung can’t help but to sigh, nothing ever really changes when the new year comes around. 

 

Last year had almost been different though and as he thinks back to it he can almost smile. 

 

Almost, but not exactly. The smile just tugs at his lips but it never reaches his eyes. 

 

He used to be told he had the most beautiful smile, with white teeth full on display and his eyes crinkling with happiness and laughter but not anymore. 

 

Nothing really reaches his eyes anymore. 

 

He doesn’t know if he misses it or not. 

 

Jinyoung must admit that he misses  _ him _ though, which is quite stupid of Jinyoung, but he still does it. 

 

He regrets it too. 

 

At times. 

 

Not always. 

 

When he rereads all the messages they sent he still remembers the anger that filled him. 

 

At times. 

 

Not always. 

 

Jinyoung wasn’t a child. Children are what he hated the most, but somehow most people ended up treating him like that, maybe that’s why he hate them so much. 

 

People tended to treat him like he was just an annoying child with insecurities that he shouldn’t even have and how dared he complain when life was so simple for him. 

 

His parents even laughed when he got mad, sometimes even cooing at him, like he was a small child that was just acting up. 

 

Maybe he was though. 

 

Maybe all he’ll ever be is a child that somehow can’t seem to forget or grow up, but it still hurt.

 

It still hurts. 

 

He still remembers the text Jackson sent, it was right when they had started fighting more and more and Jinyoung isn’t sure if he’ll ever get that feeling out of his memory. 

 

_ “Do you think you’ll ever come to hate me?”  _

 

Jinyoung remembers thinking, no, no there’s nothing that would ever make me hate you, but it felt weird on his tongue, it felt like a lie. 

 

They had promised each other to never tell bullshit. 

 

There must be some pieces of Jinyoung’s heart lying down that road too, Jinyoung thinks, having to feel every single emotion as you slowly come to dislike what you once barely even noticed about someone you loved hurt. It hurt even more feeling how you slowly started analyzing every single thing the other say, scrutinizing it until you find something to be mad about, something to hate. 

 

It also hurt seeing Jackson slowly lose interest in him. 

 

Their promises to never apologize for being sad, their promises to never apologize for complaining and their promises to someday watch each other become happy. 

 

In the end they all broke, just like Jinyoung’s heart if he wants to add a dramatic effect.

 

But there’s so much, it’s too many messages and way too much pride and somehow they’re both in the wrong but Jinyoung pretends to blame himself while Jackson shoves it all on Jinyoung and then repents. 

 

_ “You’re not being yourself”  _

 

_ “You know you’re the only one swearing this entire time? You’re the one mad at me.”  _

 

_ “Why are you acting like this?”  _

 

_ “I wasn’t trying to make you feel inferior, I just thought we could both complain since we’re not getting anywhere either way. It’s just more effective”  _

 

_ “If i’m gonna be the next victim you might as well cut the shit and just go”  _

 

_ “Like you’re gonna have a hard time finding work? You literally have an A in every subject”   _

 

_ “Well, that’s a really ugly way to do it but sure if you can’t stand me then go”  _

 

_ “You’re acting like a child”  _

 

_ “I’m not trying to stop you since a part of me thinks it’s better if you go too, before we start hating each other, maybe then we’ll someday meet again”  _

 

_ “At least you have an entire family, not all of us have the privilege of two loving parents”  _

 

_ “I still love you too”  _

 

And somehow it hurts, it hurts way too deeply and way too much and those pieces of his heart keeps spilling out and as Jinyoung thinks back to all those messages Jackson sent, all those hurtful words, then he can almost convince himself that Jackson was the one in the wrong.

 

He can almost convince himself that Jackson was bad for him. 

 

But Jinyoung still loves Jackson too, and all the good memories they have together. The plans they made to move to Iceland where they would both have a boyfriend each and then adopt two cute dogs and just be happy and all those times Jinyoung cried his heart out and Jackson was just there, accepting him and telling him that it’ll be okay. 

 

And that’s why Jinyoung’s thumb still hovers over his phone number, but it’s also why he never lets himself click on it. 

 

It would be too cruel. 

 

It would be too cruel to rekindle because even though Jinyoung loves him, and cares for him, there’s still a part of him that expects too much, and maybe they were just never meant to be forever. 

 

And all ll Jinyoung has ever really wanted was just an apology, and apology from Jackson, an apology from his parents and an apology from Jaebum.

 

He doesn’t wanna think about Jaebum yet. 

 

Jinyoung always apologizes, he drops the word “sorry” at all times and someone once told him that it’ll lose it’s meaning then, Jinyoung disagrees, he just feels sorry for everything. 

 

He feels sorry because it’s always his fault. 

 

He feels sorry because he’s just a stupid child and even though Jackson is just a year older he somehow manages to seem so much more like an adult, at times, not always. 

 

But either way, even though all Jinyoung ever wanted was an apology he never got one, because no one ever apologizes to children. 

 

He’s still angry though and maybe that’s why he isn’t even sure that he really misses Jackson or if he just misses someone to talk to, it might just be that he’s way too lonely nowadays, especially in the frozen woods. 

 

But even though it hurts, and even though it’s painful, Jackson still isn’t the one imprinted on the inside of his eyelocks, instead he’s stuck in Jinyoung’s fingers. 

 

He clicks away from Jackson’s profile and there it is. 

 

Exactly below Jackson, there’s  _ that  _ person.

 

But back to that later, it’s way too early for Jinyoung to be thinking about _ him _ ,  _ Jaebum _ , he isn’t even halfway back home yet. 

 

There’s a house just a few hundred meters away though. It’s a red house with white knots and there’s christmas lights hanging along the roof but it’s still too early for them to shine the brightest.

 

There’s a snowman on the snow covered lawn but the carrot has fallen to the ground, but something else catches Jinyoung’s eyes. It’s a small hare slowly approaching the carrot, looking around suspiciously at times and Jinyoung has to stop in his steps to not scare the rabbit, even though it seems so far away. 

 

The rabbit is almost sniffing at the carrot now and just about to reach forward and steal it when suddenly the front door opens and it scatters away hurriedly, completely forgetting the carrot. 

 

It’s an older lady walking out on the porch. She’s holding a nice looking tablecloth and places a hand on either side of the material and shakes it angrily before sighing loudly and walking back inside again with harsh steps. 

 

And then the door closes again with a bang and Jinyoung finds it kinda sad, how something so quick and harmless managed to scare the hare away from the carrot. 

 

Jinyoung continues his walk and soon he’s passing the frozen river. 

 

He feels a bit frozen too, just like that river.  

 

He should’ve listened when his mother told him to dress more warmly. 

 

Sometimes he doesn’t mind the cold though, certain times it’s calming but other times he’s simply with people who make him forget it’s cold outside. 

 

Yugyeom is kinda like that, he thinks. 

 

They’re not that close, unfortunately if Jinyoung may add, but still. 

 

Yugyeom just feels warm, even though Jinyoung has only hugged him once and that was in a group hug together with Bambam. 

 

Bambam and Yugyeom were his new friends, completely new for this year -soon to be last year. 

 

They had grown closer lately, deciding to spend christmas graduation together and just during that one day Jinyoung had been more happy than he had been in months. 

 

He hadn’t thought those five words even once that day and it all has just seemed too perfect, but it’s wasn’t, it was just perfect. 

 

Jinyoung was kinda awkward about Yugyeom at first, not that he disliked him or anything, no, Jinyoung might have liked Yugyeom a bit too much, but it was difficult not to, Yugyeom simply had that special aura that made everyone love him. 

 

Yugyeom had that laugh and that smile and he spoke in that way and he had that style and just everything. Yugyeom was almost everything Jinyoung had ever wanted to be. 

 

It was made clear pretty soon though that Yugyeom didn’t feel the same for him, not that Jinyoung ever confessed, they just talked about it and it became kinda a joke. 

 

Bambam was the creator of the joke and Jinyoung had actually disliked Bambam in the beginning, but they grew closer as the school days passed. 

 

Jinyoung had even embarrassingly enough cried in front of Bambam once and in order to comfort Jinyoung he had pulled up some of his favorite memes. 

 

(Not Jinyoung’s favorites, but Bambam’s favorites, still good enough) 

 

And after half a year they had become the-kinda-close-three-musketeers and Jinyoung was immensely grateful for it. 

 

There was still a lot of things missing though, biggest of them all was simply happiness. 

 

Even though Jinyoung seemed to have it all, two kinda close friends, one close kinda friend and then whatever the fuck  _ he  _ was, and on top of that also almost perfect grades. He also has two parents that somewhat love him, his mom probably does at least, and he also has two siblings he sees like at least once a month.

 

But even though he seems to have most things, he still doesn’t feel happy. 

 

Instead he hears the laughter in his head and voices screaming and at certain days he simply wants to commit to those five words but he’s always unable to do it. 

 

Other days he lays in his bed staring at the wall and other times he’s back to that day in January but then his mind wanders to that day in December. 

 

And that’s where he always ends up, on that park bench or outside that bathroom stall. 

 

And even though it’s been a year Jinyoung can’t get it out of his head. He’s simply stuck there, endlessly repeating those two moments. 

 

Because suddenly It’s a december night and it’s cold, almost as cold as it is currently where Jinyoung is walking closer and closer to the house he lives in. 

 

It’s a december night and he’s sitting on a bench and Jaebum is sitting next to him. 

 

They’re laughing, smiling, joking, and Jinyoung’s heart is bursting with happiness, because finally, finally it’s the two of them. Jinyoung and Jaebum, just the two of them both hating on someone they both dislike, just like it used to be. 

 

“She’s an asshole!” Jinyoung yells and Jaebum echoes it equally as loud, and then they’re planning. They’re planning that stupid thing that will be stuck on Jinyoung’s mind for what seems like the rest of his life. 

 

They’re planning revenge. 

 

They’re planning revenge on Jaebum’s ex girlfriend. 

 

Jaebum suggests that they should try to make her jealous and Jinyoung’s heart is beating way too quickly and he’s probably nodding way too drastically.  

 

Then Jinyoung says it, that damn curse, that one sentence. 

 

“Let’s make out and send it to her” 

 

It’s stupid, Jinyoung’s never even kissed someone, not even now, as he keeps walking on the slippy road, having to steady himself every other second. 

 

He’s only had one kiss that barely counts because it was an accidental kiss he shared with Youngjae, his close kinda friend and also second crush , aside from that he’s still desperately waiting for his real first kiss. 

 

That sentence though, Jinyoung will probably say that it was a joke if someone asks him today, a bad joke, but there’s some truth in it, it was a wish if anything. 

 

Jinyoung wanted to do it, he wanted to do it so badly, he wants to kiss Jaebum but his heart abruptly stops when he looks at him. 

 

There’s that look on Jaebum’s face and it’s different from anything he’s ever seen on Jaebum but the message is still clear. 

 

The answer is yes. 

 

Jinyoung wants to lean in, hold Jaebum close and never let him go, make Jaebum his boyfriend and be able to kiss him and hug him anytime. 

 

But reality sets in and Jinyoung stares.

 

And stares. 

 

And stares. 

 

And laughs. 

 

He laughs and he dismisses it and Jaebum pouts at him but then he’s laughing too and then Jinyoung feels lips suddenly kissing his left cheek and he shouts surprisingly and looks over at Jaebum who’s smiling winningly. 

 

Jinyoung doesn’t really know what love is, even today, as he’s passing that red barn and he’s finally able to see his home again. 

 

Even today he can’t say for sure that he was in love, or maybe even is in love, but he thinks it must feel a lot like this, because Jinyoung's on a high and somehow everything seems like a dream that’s too good to be true.

 

(It is too good to be true) 

 

He’s laughing and singing whatever song that comes to his mind and Jaebum is singing with him and there’s cars passing and people chattering and laughing and there’s lights everywhere. 

 

And when Jinyoung looks back at Jaebum who’s laughing out loud, he simply can’t help but to picture stars in the background and lights in his eyes.

 

Jaebum somehow manages to put stars in a light filled city sky-night, and it makes sense, Jinyoung thinks, nothing has ever been as bright as Jaebum. 

 

Jinyoung kicks a rock on the road, not completely sure why, but still doing it. 

 

He feels frustrated as he thinks back, because now he’s thinking about the day after and he’s almost longing to see Jaebum. 

 

But then Jinyoung’s there. 

 

He’s there and he’s staring and it hurts. 

 

Jaebum has his arm around her. 

 

Jaebum has his arm around his ex girlfriend. 

 

And the pieces spill out on the floor. 

 

Nothing really changed but yet so much did, Jinyoung spends most time simply watching, watching them fight over and over again and the next day making up again. He watches them kiss against the wall and Jinyoung has to look away and somehow try to focus on studying while listening to the sound of his first love making out with someone. 

 

He watches Jaebum smile grow tinier and tinier, and his collarbones getting sharper and sharper and he sees how he’s slowly growing more exhausted each day. 

 

Jinyoung worries, most of the time he worries, but he’s tired too, so, so tired. 

 

He cries too much and he hurts too much and he wants to let go but he can’t. 

 

But then that day comes, that January day. 

 

Jinyoung prided himself on never crying in front of either Jaebum or his girlfriend, but that pride was broken now too. 

 

Jinyoung had never gotten a text from Jaebum’s girlfriend either, but there’s a first for everything. 

 

It’s a picture, of the hallway, it’s sent from Jaebum’s phone and Jinyoung finally allows himself to breath. 

 

Jaebum had been weird that morning, more “sensitive” than usual and Jinyoung had managed to be a shit friend. 

 

Jinyoung knew something was terribly wrong, something was terribly terribly wrong and Jaebum refused to talk to anyone which was more usual than what it’s supposed to be, but still, Jinyoung should’ve been there. 

 

He got mad at first, after his third try at getting Jaebum to reply anything else than “I don’t care” “I don’t know” “okay” he simply rolled his eyes. 

 

But it got worse after the lesson. 

 

Jaebum’s girlfriend isn’t able to cheer him up, something she usually couldn’t, but still, and she’s looking at Jinyoung desperately for help. 

 

Jinyoung tries to hug Jaebum, that’s what they usually did to comfort each other but suddenly Jaebum his pulling away and he’s looking at Jinyoung scared and lost. 

 

Jaebum had flinched away from him. 

 

The pieces kept spilling out. 

 

There’s desperations and fear in his eyes and his breath is way too quick and Jinyoung’s heart breaks over and over again. 

 

His girlfriend takes over after that, Jinyoung goes to class, leaving the two behind. 

 

Then the message comes and he sprints out of class. 

 

When he finally finds Jaebum, it’s not how he thought it would be. 

 

He thought they would hold each other close and Jinyoung would apologize and everything would be fine but it isn’t because Jaebum isn’t there. 

 

Instead his girlfriend is standing there. 

 

She looks scared, worried too. 

 

She’s holding Jaebum’s phone. 

 

“Where is he?” There’s desperation in Jinyoung’s voice now too. He’s scared too. 

 

She looks close to crying, pacing back and forth but stopping to stare and then motioning towards the bathroom door. 

 

“He, he wa- was walking awa-y and I tried-” sniff  “-to follow but he the he l-locked himself in t-there and won’t c-come out” 

 

Jinyoung doesn’t know what he’s thinking, his mind is rushing way too quickly but suddenly he’s outside the door and he’s knocking, desperately calling Jaebum’s name. 

 

Jinyoung tries to breath and he tries to keep his voice steady but there’s no reply. 

 

There’s no fucking reply. 

 

And suddenly the picture is there, the picture he can still see every time he closes his eyes. 

 

He can see the blood, the blood streaming out from under the door and Jaebum is lying inside there lifeless. 

 

There’s a broken mirror and Jaebum’s arms are covered in too much blood. 

 

Jinyoung tries to push the picture away but it never disappears. 

 

He tries to focus and keep his breath even as he keeps knocking on the door. 

 

Jaebum is fine, that’s what he prays in his head like a mantra. 

 

Then he’s yelling, he’s yelling at his girlfriend to get a teacher and then he’s staring up at the lamp blinking. 

 

He’s shaking, he’s shaking too much and he can’t stand still. 

 

Then the teacher comes. 

 

She must have seen the look on Jinyoung’s face because suddenly her face becomes serious and then she’s making that motion towards her arm, pointing her finger against her wrist and then nodding towards the bathroom door, and there’s too many things happening and Jinyoung’s head is a mess but he nods, he nods and there’s a tear falling down his cheek and he wipes it away furiously. 

 

The teacher’s voice is gentle when she calls for Jaebum.

 

His girlfriend looks blank and confused, staring between the teacher and Jinyoung, and tears are still in her eyes. 

 

Jinyoung doesn’t look back, he’s staring at the blood that’s still streaming from under the bathroom door. 

 

_ Why can’t they see it?  _

 

The door opens and the teacher walks in. 

 

Jinyoung tries to focus on breathing. 

 

The girlfriend tries to talk to him. 

 

He doesn’t really remember what he replies.

 

He only sees the blood. 

 

All he sees is red. 

 

Then the door opens again and his head snaps up and the teacher is there. 

 

She’s holding Jaebum close, rubbing his shoulder. 

 

There’s no blood on him. 

 

Then Jaebum goes to his girlfriend and then they’re hugging and Jinyoung stands there. 

 

He stands there. 

 

He stand there. 

 

There’s no blood.

 

Jaebum is fine.

 

Why can Jinyoung still see the blood? 

 

And then Jaebum is walking away with his girlfriend in his arms and Jinyoung walks behind, and he’s close to breaking down. 

 

He isn’t even sure how he’s able to hold it together. 

 

He thought Jaebum would at least look at him, acknowledge him, see him. 

 

_ Why is there still blood?  _

 

Jaebum doesn’t do that, he simply walked right into his girlfriend’s arms and then away.

 

_ The blood is covering Jinyoung’s hands now too. _

 

The teacher pats his shoulder and Jinyoung looks up, and tears flood his eyes but he doesn’t allow them to fall. 

 

“Are you okay?” 

 

It’s such a small question. 

 

Is he okay?  __

 

He doesn’t have the strength to talk, doesn’t think he’ll be able to hold it in, so he just nods and closes his eyes but all he sees is the blood covering the bathroom. 

 

The teacher gives him a knowing look and after that she half hugs him. 

 

They both apparently knew it was bullshit. 

 

Jinyoung wipes that tear away furiously too and then he continues to walk down the hallway, never really managing to get the picture out of his head.  

 

They’re both still walking in front of him, holding each other close, they never notice Jinyoung standing behind them with his heart all the way on the ground. 

 

He must have left the rest of his heart there, Jinyoung thinks back. 

 

He lets out a shaky breath and stares up at the clear blue sky, he’s almost home now, just a few more steps and he’ll be standing on the porch. 

 

He have to prepare himself though, the pieces of his hearts are still scattered and there’s that laughter in his head. 

 

He can still picture the blood.

 

But it’s gonna change, it’s a new year tomorrow, he tries to promise himself. 

 

In a year he’ll be different, he tries to say. 

 

But as he takes a step up on the porch he still finds himself turning around, staring back out over the forest and the small passage where he had walked, and there he sees it. 

 

It’s a hare sitting there, with a small carrot in it’s mouth. 

 

It must have jumped out immediately after he had walked past. 

 

Jinyoung stares at it’s big black eyes and for a while he thinks that the hare is staring back at him. 

 

And there they both stand, watching each other, but somehow Jinyoung thinks that the hare doesn’t seem as scared anymore.

 

It almost seems to be more intrigued than scared by him and Jinyoung sends it a small smile, and if hare’s could smile then Jinyoung could swear that it did it, then it  jumps away back into the forest. 

 

And with the hare gone Jinyoung takes a deep breath and pushes the door knob down and enters into the warmth. 

 

\--------

  
  


Nothing much changes when the time turns twelve. Jinyoung doesn’t really feel different at all. 

 

Jaebum is off somewhere with his girlfriend and they’re hugging each other. In a month or so they’ll move in together and a few years down the road they’ll get married. 

 

Jinyoung won’t be invited to the wedding. 

 

Even though they kept contact for long they never made it to the finish line and Jinyoung eventually manages to be okay with that. A few year even later down the road they’ll accidentally meet at a coffee shop Jinyoung used to spend most of his time at, and they look at each other, acknowledge each other and the rings on their fingers and his girlfriend, now wife, will even say a small hi. 

 

Jinyoung won’t say hi back, instead he smiles grimly, before looking back at the one next to him instead. 

 

Jinyoung and Youngjae grow closer again for a few years after Youngjae transfers to his school and they’re once again reunited, Youngjae never leaves that big of an imprint on Jinyoung though, he’ll simply come to cherish Youngjae without bad memories and regrets. 

 

Youngjae’s in another class than Jinyoung though, studying to become a doctor, something he had always dreamed of and eventually they fall apart too, simply not having enough time. 

 

They still greet each other whenever they meet in the hallways, at times they even exchange a few words. 

 

Yugyeom and Bambam becomes his bestfriends, each year they kept growing closer and to Jinyoung’s surprise, and at first also dislike, he starts seeing how the two of them look at each other. 

 

Bambam who had declared himself a certified straight was slowly but surely falling in love with Yugyeom and Yugyeom seemed to reproach it. 

 

Even further down the road Jinyoung will walk in on the both of them doing something that makes Jinyoung wanna scrub his eyes with soap. 

 

Jinyoung never does hear from Jackson again, and even though it hurts at first Jinyoung can finally feel himself slowly forgetting, a new number being imprinted in his fingers instead. 

 

He still checks Jackson’s instagram from time to time though and a few years down the road he posts a picture of two wedding rings so Jinyoung guesses that promise never did break. 

 

They did get to see each other grow happy. 

 

Jinyoung’s happiness though, it comes slowly and his name is Mark. 

 

Mark is different, different from Jaebum who would laugh all the problems away, and different from Youngjae who never seemed to understand what Jinyoung really meant and he’s different from Jackson, because Mark is not just a friend.

 

Jinyoung never did like permanent things, that’s why he hated goodbyes so much, because they were permanent. There were no going back or redos. 

 

Mark becomes the first permanent thing in Jinyoung’s life, permanent because even though they would fight and yell and get angry, in the end they always came back to each other. In the end they always apologized.

 

In the end it was the two of them. 

 

They meet at a coffee shop out of all the cliche places to exist and Jinyoung was just sitting there working on a school project when Mark had asked if he could sit opposite since the café was filled. 

 

Jinyoung had looked up and replied a polite yes and then Mark had beamed and Jinyoung had been star strucked. 

 

This time though, he didn’t mind (in the end).  

 

They ended up meeting like that quite often, and eventually Mark would sit opposite even though there were empty seats and Jinyoung would beam back. 

 

They talked and talked and talked and Jinyoung found himself forgetting time at certain moments and at certain days it hurt and at other times it didn’t. 

 

Certain days Mark felt so far away but yet so close and Jinyoung knew he was falling.

 

Mark even yelled at Jinyoung once, yelling at Jinyoung that he should tell him if he wasn’t gonna show up at the coffee shop. Mark yelled that he had been worried sick and Jinyoung couldn’t help but to smile and ask how he would ever possibly be able to tell Mark that he wasn’t gonna be there if he didn’t have his phone number.

 

Mark had blushed red as a tomato at that and then quickly stolen Jinyoung’s phone (heart) to write his name in it and muttered about how Jinyoung should call him next time. 

 

And after that they talk more and more, Jinyoung finding his thumbs clicking on Mark even if he didn’t mean to. 

 

It’s late night calls and crying over the phone and all the cliches Jinyoung has ever dreamed of and it’s so basic but yet so perfect. 

 

After a year of meeting at a coffee shop they move in together, finding it more convenient and cheaper to live together since they both ended up attending the same collage. 

 

And somehow Jinyoung is finally living his dream. 

 

When they moved in they were still just friends, friends who then ended up cuddling on the coach when it was cold and looking at each other a bit too long. 

 

They ended up cooking next to each other and cleaning the dishes together and Jinyoung would tease Mark about his obsession with dogs after Mark had begged Jinyoung to adopt a dog together for half a year 

 

(Jinyoung adopted a dog for them as a christmas present after having seen Mark cooing at that one at the animal shelter for two hours) 

 

And somehow they grow like that, next to each other, through tears and fights and arguments and dating other people and breaking up with them and Jinyoung allows himself to let go. 

 

He allows himself to let go of all the fears. 

 

He allows himself to let go of the fear of hurting someone. 

 

He allows himself to let go of the fear of forgetting someone. 

 

He allows himself to let go of the things he’s been hurt by. 

 

But he also allows himself to remember the good times. 

 

He allows himself to smile and laugh and love. 

 

Jinyoung never really does forget the blood, but after a few months visiting a psychiatrist he manages to start changing the picture, slowly but surely he manages to get it out of his mind and instead see what really happened. 

 

There had never been any blood. 

 

It had always just been a part of Jinyoung’s imagination, and as he comes home that day to their shared apartment he breaks down but it’s okay, Mark is there to hold him. 

 

It also turns out that the reason Jinyoung had never really felt happiness and instead a black void inside of him was because he was severely depressed through most of his teenage-years and a few years into adulthood. 

 

Funny how that happens. 

 

(Jinyoung feels kinda bad for Jackson during that time, Jackson had always been the one to support him the most, most of their fights were about Jinyoung refusing to get help) 

 

Mark is there for him though, just as Jinyoung is there for Mark when he breaks up with his long term girlfriend. 

 

(Turns out the reason they broke up was because Mark was too close to Jinyoung and his girlfriend didn’t wanna be in the way, she wanted him to be happy and she was simply no longer the cause of his happiness) 

 

3 years were the amount of time they had lived together, about 4 months after the breakup, on a snowy christmas morning, that’s where they end up sharing their first kiss together. 

 

They ended up sharing their first kiss under the mistletoe. 

 

Mark said it’s a must, it’s a christmas tradition and he’s smiling shyly but still triangular and Jinyoung simply snorts and then leans in to kiss Mark lightly on the lips and somehow it feels like all the puzzle pieces finally have come together. 

 

“Dork” He whispers against Mark’s lips and Mark chuckles lightly before letting his arm who was holding the mistletoe up fall to his side. 

 

Jinyoung hears a tiny duns against the floor as the mistletoe hits it and then Mark’s arm is pulling him even closer and they’re kissing deeper while laughing. 

 

And even though they’ve dated other people, even though they’ve been too close friends for over 4 years, in the end it became them. 

 

Even though it was a struggle and filled of hurt at times, in the end they found themselves in each other and eventually the five words he never dared to tell anyone turns into a different sentence. 

 

And as they’re walking in the park, close to the college they both used to attend, Jinyoung can’t help but to smile brightly as Mark intertwines his hand in his.  

 

And Jinyoung might still not exactly know what love is, but he thinks that he finally knows what happiness is. 

 

And as they hold each other clos Jinyoung spots it, a small hare jumping through the park, but this time it isn’t alone. 

 

And somehow green grass, blooming flowers and flowing rivers suddenly starts feeling a lot more beautiful than frozen roads. 

  
  


Mark never does become Jinyoung’s everything though, instead he becomes that extra someone, the one to make everything a bit easier and a bit better. 

 

Because in the end Jinyoung had finally learned the most important thing on his now flowering road and that something was to become his own everything, to be his own most precious person and to be his own light so he won’t ever feel lonely. 

 

In the end; loving yourself is the biggest achievement in life. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> So here we go again, another long author's note! 
> 
> I wrote this fic last night, started somewhere around 10pm and finished it like 1.30am and then I edited it two times this morning. 
> 
> I wasn't supposed to write a fic, I actually wanted to write about my own experiences this year but I didn't know how to write it down, and then I went here and I saw two comments i had gotten on my previous fics and suddenly inspiration just struck me and I ended up word vomiting this. 
> 
> Lately i've also been watching Love by chance and as the sad lonely gay or bi I am, I wanted to give myself some hope as well and somehow while thinking back over this year and also my wishes for the future I ended up with this. 
> 
> All events in this story, besides the future part are events that happened to me this year to a certain degree. I may have made it slightly more dramatic here but you get the point. 
> 
> So I want to end this author note with some messages. 
> 
> To Jackson whom I still treasure; I'm sorry and I miss you but I hope that you're living well and I hope that you'll someday find your special someone and that your face will someday be covered by a smile. I wish you all the happiness life has to give you since you managed to make my life so much brighter even if it only was for a short while. 
> 
> To Yugyeom and Bambam who I'll see again soon; I hope that the holidays are treating the both of you well and that you get lots of Christmas gifts! I also want you to know that you make my school days a lot brighter and I'm not sure if I could do this without you both. I hope that 2019 will bring the three of us some much needed happiness. 
> 
> To Youngjae whom I adore; I hope the holidays are nice and that you're not feeling too lonely. I also hope that we'll see each other soon again even if only for a short while. Good luck for your exams this year and I hope you'll choose to transfer to my school! 
> 
> To Jaebum; I wish you the best and I hope that you'll someday be happy too even if it's not with me, and even though I never dared to tell you, I love you, but I also hope to forget you soon. 
> 
> And to Mark whom I have yet to meet; Please come soon! I'm waiting desperately! 
> 
>  
> 
> This past year I also lost my passion for writing but I'm slowly gaining it back, and I know I'm very lacking but I'll try to keep improving! I do though love the comments, they make me wanna write again so please keep commenting! 
> 
> I'm now gonna stop pretending I have a big audience who actually care about the author's note, so with all this said; Happy new year! 
> 
> And to all the lonely peeps out there; I wish your special someone will come soon!
> 
> In 2019 we'll love ourselves wohoo! 
> 
> (This is my first fic with a happy ending and I do feel some sorta way because of it, I think it's positive though)  
> (Also eng is 2nd language)


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